The Panic
There is always that one breath, that one moment, I like to describe it as my warning sign
When I know I’ve pushed it down for too long and there’s no more time
I feel this tightening building right in the middle of my chest
In these moments I know I can pull through for a little bit longer at my best
However don’t ask me to do anything with my hands because there is this uncontrollable shake
Its my bodies way of telling me “My dear there is not much more we can take”
It’s like a white surrender flag being waved on a battle field
It’s saying to me you’ve fought so hard, but the battle has been lost. It is time to yield
Succumbing to the fear is ironically the most scary part
I never know for certain when it will end, but I always get to see it start
It positions itself behind me, and my shoulders come together as I feel its breath on my neck
And I know when I turn it won’t be there but my heart is racing telling me to check
My eyes shut as I let that familiar tightening take over
It is still my body but I no longer feel like it’s owner
I feel like I am trying to claw my way from the inside out
But as the crying starts and my throat tightens no one can here me shout
I feel myself crumbling and I know I need to start putting myself back together
But it feels like someone handed me the instructions in another language and said “Fix it and also make it better”
It’s like drowning but needing to drink water at the same time
I’m being pulled in two directions but my body is being forced to stay on a thin white line
I can’t catch my breath until I stop crying, but I can’t stop crying until I catch my breath
I wonder if this is the type of panic that ensues at the doors of death
That type of panic of not knowing if I will ever see my family again
But it’s stress from the life of family that brought my anxiety from a six to a ten
Life is currently contributing to the darkness, or the absence of light
And Death in its horrific beauty pulls us in closer making it harder and harder to fight
